New Year 2026

The very first blog post. Yep, I started working on my personal whackjob website just a little over 2 weeks ago. It's a place where I want to learn how to code, how to make web design, and generally have fun. And, well, it's coming along nicely. I have ideas, and a plan to realize in the coming year.

While this is the first post, I will obviously be hiding it after I have the website completely finished, and a proper blog page set up. This will be like a time capsule, with all placeholders, with all test links. And I'll pretend that the second post is actually the first post :P

The year 2025 was a year of changes and consequences. I've made a big decision in 2024 that changed the flow of my life. Like a railroad track change. And in 2025, I felt the consequences of that, which have given me much satisfaction. I feel that I finally found myself, have a clear goal for where I want to be in 5 years from now. My academic performance has vastly improved due to renewed interest and motivation to follow the dream that I've had since I was 8 years old binge-watching documentaries on the Discovery channel. Oh, yes, the Discovery channel was in Europe. It's where I learnt English and was inspired. Many times, I've attempted to deviate from this inspiration, but I always come back to what I consumed a decade and three quarters ago. Perhaps the US government ran MK ULTRA on the Discovery channel and permanently programmed me. Regardless, I'm on track now.

Intelligence development aside, my physical development stagnated severely. Early last year I suffered a very minor tear in my MCL. Despite still being able to walk, run, jump, the massive pain stopped me from doing most physical activity. And this happened just as I was finally getting my musculoskeletal affairs in order. Six months of gym membership wasted. I finally got into the sport of my dreams and then had to abruptly stop. I spent months resting and doing light activity. When I eventually had a painless week, I got back into the gym and sports and immediately slipped back into massive pain. And so, it has gone on like this: attempting activity, only to feel immense pain soon after. This was detrimental not only to my physiology, but to my mental health as well. The mind is supposed to rest while the body works. What does the mind do when the body rests? Indeed, it starts making up things.

And so, the mountain of the past year's despair appears. As a man, we are expected to bottle our feelings, present a stoic facade. Of course, modern society has gone softer, and men's mental health is now widely promoted. But I don't know... Have I been raised wrong? I cannot seem to be able to trauma dump on anyone. I feel like my problems are my own, and I shouldn't burden others with stuff that is uniquely mine. This does have the unintended side-effect of having to carry double the weight, as I've had friends who have trauma dumped on me. They said their woes, laid out their problems, and I have provided whatever pleasant words of support I could give. I would have felt guilty if I had to tell them my inner feelings, because they'd carry them together with their own baggage. Yet, I secretly, in my mind silently begged them to ask for me to dump my load. The egoist side of me simply wishes to push my inner crap onto others as they did onto me. And it hurts, really hurts, when they never push for a deeper conversation that opens me up fully.

And so, presented with this great Eather of the net, I will dump my trauma here, in the first blog post, which will get hidden once I finish my proper blog, and this will serve as a time capsule only.
In just a few months it will be 10 years since I've left home and moved to other lands. This meant that I left everything behind and began anew. A fresh start, able to build up everything without the pre-determined structure that I was forced into since childbirth. It has been a great decision, and I have grown more as a person than if I were to stay behind.
Yet while I was able to profit massively from every single angle, one area that I have been constantly unable to build upon is my social network. Naturally, I'm an outsider, there is always an air of strangeness that makes people reluctant to engage with. People would rather stay in their closed circles than get to know someone new. However, despite that very simple fact of human interaction, I have always watched with envy how aliens from other lands have easily merged into the local circles.
So, I was left with no other choice but to brute force my way inside. Penetrate the circle and insert myself into their daily life. Over the years, I have been putting in a lot of daily effort trying to keep myself relevant. It was either keeping myself in their minds, or fading into irrelevancy. My greatest fears of loneliness were first stoked when, for a reason I have forgotten at this time, I did not jump in front of other people like a court jester: immediately I was no longer in the group consciousness as a thought. While others were actively seeking out each other, I was simply sidelined.
This constant need to intrude has also given me some problems in regard to how I view myself. I have begun to think that I am a social parasite: a person seeking constant validation and will butt into other people's lives just to get it. And reading the dump up to this point indeed paints me as such. A narcissist expecting others to care about him more than they care about others. And this made me believe that it would be better if I took a step back, bit the bullet, and stopped it. I've become more cautious, intentionally giving people space, mindfully giving them agency. This is hard, and fills me with more misery, yet it respects other people, and that is more important than self-gratification.
Fast forward to moving again, to live independently, and I was hit with even stronger loneliness. I had to build a new social circle, yet I failed to find anyone to identify with. True, my life choices made me go through three unique social circles, three sets of friend-like acquaintances, and some have remained. I have made good connections with a few fellow expats; I guess due to our non-local origins. I've been cautious with my approach, to silence the social parasite. Give them space, listen to them, give them days to answer. And yet... Indeed, I have been left with people who do not write semi-daily about how I am doing. I must be the first one to initiate, and then silently pray that they might just ask how I do once they finish talking about themselves. Actually, there is a person in real life whom I have come to care for very much and have begun to attempt at deeper communication and very close friendship. Perhaps I am too overbearing, but even if I send a message once per week, it takes hours or days for my messages to be read. Status: Online. Message: Sent. Not even read. Eventually it is read, and even later it is replied to, if at all. At this point I wish for a flat rejection, to be snapped out of the illusion that something could be built between us. I can't bring myself to do it.
So, I turned to the internet, though this was shortly after the initial move nearly a decade ago. Obviously. Reddit, Twitter, Image Boards, Forums, IRC chats, and the king of social interactions - Discord. I've gone through many servers. Created many accounts, got banned, had fun. This has kept my social needs partially satiated. Was it a good idea? Not at all. I quickly found myself addicted to chatting over the internet. I'd spend hours typing on a keyboard, or phone, instead of doing something productive like playing PC games, modding Live 2D Euclid tech into a 24-year-old game engine, or washing the dishes. And then, of course, that same social parasite struck again. I quickly found myself seeking validation, butting into social circles just to get people to talk to me. This time, it worked, and I've managed to insert myself into dozens of minds across the globe. Great. Feels great, right? It only furthered my addiction. I have secluded myself from most of real-life social interactions, because I feel like the people I can identify the most with are those who are spread across the world. There are even locals within or near my city that I've gotten to know over the internet whom I prefer over all my current real life acquaintances. We won't ever meet, though. Anonymity, another need from digital social networks.
My latest ban from Discord, just a few months ago, has given me a chance to take a step back and combat the addiction. It was hard, true, but I've come back to reality more often. It has also served as a chance to sever the non-real social ties. To my surprise, a dozen people actually cared for me enough that they'd send DMs over other social media accounts I had, asking me to come back. Ironically, it would ruin the work I put into breaking the addiction. I gave in, came back, a little bit. Like a recovering alcoholic taking a single sip of whiskey because his friends asked him to.
So overall, let's take inventory of my social circle. Let's ignore everyone whom I call acquaintances and focus on people I could genuinely rely on. I have one friend from school, whom I meet once every four or five months, and occasionally chat and play games online. I have two friends on Discord living thousands of kilometers away, who know me by real name and occasionally exchange deeply brotherly talks. I have a dozen online friends from my original school, whom I left a decade ago, and yet they still care enough to get together for an impromptu hangout if I appear in their neighborhood. And yet, none in real life, whom I could meet within an hour. None whom I could cuddle and let my feelings loose to.

Phew, now that was a dump. I'm already feeling lighter as I am writing, shed a few tears. Yet it's nothing like having a friend in real life who'd listen instead of dumping their stuff on you. I apologize, dear reader, for subjecting you to this, and thank you for reading it all.

Now, what would I wish for 2026?
My life is already on solid, straight tracks for what feels like the first time ever. The path is clear. There is only a three-point list:

• An immense increase in financial reserves. If only I could get a million Euros - tens of millions would be even better - there would be so much I could do immediately and spare years of brutal labor that would be needed to achieve them. Not to spend them carelessly, not to stop working to live on some tropical island. Rather to save years of my life to do things right now instead of when I would have money to do them, in my mid-to-late 30s.
• To get my physical state back on track, get through my injury, and achieve great success in the sport that I've dreamt of for years. This is where some of that money from the first point would help out; the gym membership and sports gear greatly burden currently destitute bank account.
• To get at least one, singular friend in real life, who'd stay in contact of their own effort, whom I could promptly meet outside and have fun with. Bonus points if it's the opposite sex, but marriage isn't on my mind right now. I just want someone who actually cares about and for me.

Some favorites from this year:

• Favorite Music: Everything Cynthoni made this year. Conflict DLC by HEALTH.
• Favorite Music from past years: Once in a Long, Long While by Low Roar (Thanks Hideo). Milk For Flowers by H. Hawkline. Volcano by Jungle.
• Favorite Games: Silksong. Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2.
• Favorite Games from past years: Rain World. Death Stranding (Thanks Hideo). We Love Katamari.
• Favorite Movies: F1. Superman.
• Favorite TV Shows: Severence S2. Slow Horses S5. Plur1bus. Silo S2.
• Favorite Food: Doroyaki. Tuna cheese cake.

Thanks for reading. Happy new year! I wish the best for your 2026. And, I think I should I hope my 2026 is going to be wonderful, instead of just giving that wish away to everyone else. Be mean and selfish >:D